


The Facility

by intangible_rice



Category: Portal (Video Game)
Genre: Caroline Appreciation Day, Gen, Oneshot, Screenplay/Script Format, The Office, caveline, everyone hates greg, in the style of the office, this is absolutely ridiculous and i am truly sorry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-25
Updated: 2019-04-25
Packaged: 2020-01-31 13:48:40
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,325
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18592510
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/intangible_rice/pseuds/intangible_rice
Summary: Have you ever wondered what Aperture Science would be like if it was like The Office? No? Well, here you go anyway!





	The Facility

**Author's Note:**

> I wanted to post something new for Caroline Appreciation Day this year since I haven't contributed/written any new fic in a while, but the only idea I've had in my head lately is what if Portal was written in the style of The Office. Also, I thought Caroline Appreciation Day was tomorrow until 20 minutes ago, so this is super rough. Basically, this idea came from the fact that PeTI Cave treats Greg exactly like Michael Scott treats Toby, and I added in some chemistry/crush stuff a la Jim and Pam, just between Caroline and Cave. It's kind of insane, and I don't really even know if the script format works well or not, but I didn't have time to change it because I'm an idiot. So, enjoy!

_SCENE: A typical small office space. Two desks sit opposite each other, with the receptionist’s desk slightly closer to the entrance. The receptionist, a cheerful woman, pins a microphone to her blouse. At the other desk sits a disinterested-looking man. A door in the back of the room has a glass insert with the words CAVE JOHNSON - CEO emblazoned on it. This office sits empty._

CAMERAMAN (muffled): Okay, so just go ahead.

RECEPTIONIST: Welcome to Aperture Science! 

CAMERAMAN: You don’t really need to do a formal intro. Just tell us about yourself, your job…

RECEPTIONIST: Oh. (she looks confused by the idea of going off-script) Well… I’m Caroline, and I work at Aperture Science. We’re one of the top science companies in the world… In the Top Two, actually. And I’m the Executive Assistant to our CEO, Cave Johnson. (she smiles wider as she says his name) How long have I worked here? Oh, wow… Let’s see now… It’s probably been about 16 years? (laughs) Yeah, I’ve been here a while. Only a few years less than Greg. 

She points to the man over at the opposite desk, who waves without smiling or looking at the camera.

CAROLINE: And, um, my job mainly involves-

She stops talking as a humming sound is heard down the hall.

CAROLINE: Oh, excuse me for a second. That’s my boss. (Her smile widens again) _Our_ boss. Everyone’s boss! (she gives a small nervous chuckle)

As the humming gets louder, the door opens and CAVE JOHNSON strolls in.

CAVE: _Sweeeeet Caroline - bum bum bum!_ (He stomps his foot with every “bum” as he steps closer to the receptionist’s desk.) _Good times never seemed so good…_

CAROLINE: (her smile now somewhat strained) Good morning, sir…

CAVE: _I’ve been inclined - bum bum bum!_ (He pats his hand on her desk for emphasis)

CAROLINE: Yep, that’s how that song goes.

CAVE: Oh, c’mon, you love this song!

CAROLINE: (her smiled even more strained) Really don’t.

CAVE: (laughing at what he still chooses to believe is a joke) You don’t like a song with your name in it? Come on… 

CAROLINE: It’s not even how it's pronounced…

CAVE: You’re funny, Caroline. I can always count on you to be a ray of sunshine. 

He shifts his focus to the other desk in the room, where GREG is staring at him indifferently. Cave scowls.

CAVE: Anyway Caroline, what’s on the agenda today?

CAROLINE: Well not much, sir, but there is one thing different about today.

CAVE: Hmm? (He glances around the room absentmindedly, and nearly jumps when he finally notices the cameraman in the corner) Who the hell are you?

CAROLINE: Sir, that’s-

CAVE: You can’t investigate anything without a warrant! Turn that thing off! (he puts his hand over the camera lens) I’ll have you outta here so fast-

CAROLINE: Sir! Sir! It’s alright. He’s not with the police. (She gives the camera an embarrassed glare) They’re filming a documentary about us.

CAVE: They’re doing what now?

CAROLINE: I don’t know. It’s supposed to provide insight into a typical workday at a major science company.

CAVE: That right?

CAROLINE: You signed off on it weeks ago.

CAVE: (grunts approvingly) So you wanna see the inner workings of a science titan, huh? (He stares into the camera) Well, I’m glad you realized Aperture is more interesting than Black Mesa. (He smirks)

CAROLINE: Black Mesa said no.

CAVE: (suppresses a sigh) Well, their loss once everyone feasts their eyes on this facility. You’ll never find a more sophisticated place than Aperture Science. We’re a well-oiled machine.

Caroline’s phone rings.

CAROLINE: This is Caroline. (pause) Is this a code red or a code orange emergency? Because if it’s just code orange, you’re supposed to try and find a fire extinguisher before calling this office-

Cave laughs nervously as he grabs the phone from her hand and hangs it up. 

CAROLINE: Sir!

CAVE: You said it yourself Caroline, they weren’t following protocol. (He turns back to the camera) Anyway, how do you wanna set up this interview? In my office? Down in the labs? I look good in white…

CAROLINE: Actually, sir, they’re mainly going to be interviewing other employees, since you already have plenty of soundbites on file… 

CAVE: ...Right. Okay. (He shrugs) It’s your thing, right? Who am I to tell you how to film it? I’m sure you’ll find plenty of interesting people around here. As long as you don’t talk to Greg. 

The camera focuses on Greg as Cave laughs. He gives his boss a long-suffering stare. 

CAVE: You’d get a more interesting interview talking to a chair in the lobby. (Cave turns to Greg) You didn’t open your mouth already, did you? Wouldn’t want to scare them away with how boring you are.

Greg stares at the camera, giving a shrug of futility. 

_SCENE: Greg is being personally interviewed in a separate room._

GREG: What did I do to Mr. Johnson? I don't think I really did anything. I think I just… existed.

_SCENE: Caroline is being personally interviewed in a separate room._

CAROLINE: No, Greg and Mr. Johnson don’t really get along. But Greg works in HR, so he can’t really get fired without a good reason. Not that any of Mr. Johnson's reasons aren't good… 

CAVE (over loudspeaker): The next person who suggests we switch to Celcius measurements is FIRED! We live in America, dammit, I don't care if it makes science harder. If our science were easy, we'd be at Black Mesa!

Caroline gives the camera as best a smile as she can muster. 

GREG (in his interview): I’m Chief of Staff at Aperture Science. And I have been for 20 years. (pause) Oh god, it’s really been that long, hasn’t it? You know, you wake up every day, you think, ‘just one more week, then I’ll quit’... Then before you know it, you’re 40 and your wife and kids hate you.

CAVE (over intercom): Cave Johnson here. If the boys in the shrink ray lab could speed up their research a little bit, I’d appreciate it. Not only would it solve our storage problem, but I’d also like to play Greg a song on the world’s smallest violin. Heh!

Greg stares at the camera with dead eyes.

CAVE: (knocks on the window) Get back to work, Greg. (the words echo over the loudspeaker)

_SCENE: Caroline and Greg are hard at work at their desks. Caroline is typing up reports while simultaneously talking on the phone._

CAROLINE: No, I’m sorry, we don’t have a record of that person ever being a test subject at Aperture Science. (pause) Why would I lie about our records, ma’am? I’m just telling you what I’m seeing in front of me.

CAVE (through the door of his office, singing): _I fought the law and the law won, I fought the law and the law won..._

CAROLINE (slightly flustered): The reports about us falsifying records were… falsified.

CAVE (louder): _I fought the law and the law won! I FOUGHT THE LAW AND THE LAW WON!_

CAROLINE (cupping her hand around the phone): We have nothing to hide here at Aperture. 

CAVE: Caroline, did you already send the files on last week’s test casualties to the incinerator?

CAROLINE: (sighs) Then we’ll tell the police the same thing when they get here. (she hangs up the phone and stares apprehensively into the camera.) Sir, maybe you’d like to check in on some of the labs downstairs? Somewhere where there _aren’t_ cameras?

CAVE: Whaddya mean where there aren’t cameras? I got cameras everywhere! I can check in on every lab at once up here! (the cameraman walks over to the window of Cave’s office and peers through it to show the CEO sitting in front of a wall of tv monitors. He presses a button on the microphone in his hand, and the loudspeaker crackles to life.) You there in Lab 26! Get back to work! I ain’t made of money. And the longer you stand there doing nothing, the longer I’ll have to wait for someone to crack the code on people made of money! (He switches the microphone off) Heh. I love spooking ‘em like that. 

CAROLINE (in her separate interview): Is it hard being Mr. Johnson’s assistant? No, I don’t think so. It can just be… unpredictable sometimes. My mom says an unpredictable job is a good thing. Or at least that was what she said the last time I got to talk to her… which was four years ago.

_SCENE: Cave is being personally interviewed in a separate room._

CAVE: See, I told you you were gonna regret not talking to me. Can’t really understand what it’s like around here without sitting down with the head honcho. I bet all anyone you’ve talked to has done is talk about me.

CAMERAMAN: There have been several complaints…

CAVE: (Tries to brush this off) Eh, well, not everyone jives with my management style. 

CAMERAMAN: Which is what, exactly?

CAVE: Inspiration. Everything I say is to motivate my staff. Why do you think I make so many messages all the time? Sure, sometimes it’s to yell at people, but overall, it’s to remind them why we’re all here. Which is _science._ Science is everything. And maybe the government has some problems with that, but we’ll see who wins out in the end. 

Caroline knocks on the window, and makes a slicing motion across her neck as she glares at her boss. She stops when she notices the camera has turned to her, and pretends to be fixing her necklace instead. 

CAROLINE: Oh, I always forget this isn’t a two-way mirror! Silly me. (she darts away)

CAVE: Inspiration. You know, when she first started working here, she wanted to quit on her third day. She storms in here crying about ethics, and her conscience, and blah blah blah… But I reminded her what it’s all about. I inspired her. And now? She doesn’t even bat an eyelash. At anything! And believe me, we’ve seen some-

Caroline clears her throat incredibly loudly.

CAVE: Anyway. An inspiring boss is the key to a great company. That’s something Black Mesa will never have. Sure, they have success, and money, and respect… international acclaim… (his face falls as he ruminates on his words) But they won’t have that. No sir.

CAROLINE (in her separate interview): Do I like my job? Of course I do. It’s a little bit of everything. I have to think on my feet, expect the unexpected… All those things you usually see in a job description, but then the job ends up being really boring. This job _is_ actually like that. (she pauses) Also, I don’t think there ever actually was a job description.

_SCENE: Cave’s office. Caroline is sitting across the desk from her boss, handing him large stacks of papers to look through and sign. Cave sings while he works._

CAVE: _K-A-L-A-M-A-Z-O-O, I got a gal in Kalamazoo… don’t wanna boast, but I know she’s the toast of Kalamazoo…_ Caroline, where are you from again?

CAROLINE: Marquette, sir.

CAVE: (mumbles the tune again under his breath) Not as catchy, I guess.

Caroline lets a small smile cross her face as she stares at the paperwork in her lap.

CAVE: _I’m gonna send a wire, hoppin’ on a flyer, leavin’ today…_ (he pauses to sign a few more papers) _Am I dreamin’, I can hear her screamin’, “Hiya, Mr. Johnson…”_

CAROLINE: Jackson. 

CAVE: Huh?

CAROLINE: It’s Mr. Jackson in the song, not Johnson.

CAVE: Oh. (goes back to signing papers)

Caroline turns away from her boss to hide her growing smile.

CAVE (in his separate interview): My assistant? He’s the worst! Come on, why would you ask me… Oh, you mean Caroline? (he smiles) Caroline’s another story. (He sits smiling for a moment, the overly talkative CEO being thoughtful for once.) She’s something else alright. Best damn employee I could’ve asked for. I mean it. Out of anyone here. That includes the scientists, the PR guys, legal counsel… No one’s as good as Caroline. It doesn’t matter what your job is here, we all rely on her in some way. She keeps everything moving. I mean, what do I do? I just talk. And sign these papers. 

He holds one up, then quickly hides it when he realizes it says “NOTICE OF COURT SUMMONS” in large red letters. Instead, he looks out into the adjacent office, and the camera follows his gaze. At her desk, Caroline is still hard at work, despite the fact that the clock above her reads 8:00 pm.

CAVE: I don’t know what I’d do without her. (He turns back to the camera, and gives a more genuine smile than any of the camera-mugging he’s done today.) She is a gem. 

_SCENE: Cave exits his office, holding his briefcase and wearing an overcoat._

CAROLINE: Good night, sir.

CAVE: Good night, Caroline. Don’t work too hard, alright?

CAROLINE: Yes sir, Mr. Johnson. (she looks at the camera, and then at the tall stack of papers still on her desk, making it clear that her response is sarcasm.) 

Cave opens the door to the hall and begins to step through. He stops and turns around.

CAVE: Good work today, Caroline. It’s not easy with these cameras in your face. But you always make everything look easy. 

CAROLINE (surprised, but beaming): Thank you, sir.

Cave looks from his assistant to the camera, seemingly annoyed at its presence. He gives Caroline a simple nod, and leaves.

Caroline continues beaming, until she remembers the camera is still there, and turns back to her work.

CAROLINE (in her separate interview): Does Mr. Johnson have a crush on me? Oh, no. (laughs) No, no. Definitely not. He’s just nice like that. (shakes head) No, he’s not… We’re not… It’s professional. (awkward pause) Is it hot in here? I’d better go check to make sure they found those fire extinguishers downstairs.

**Author's Note:**

> The songs Cave sung throughout, if anyone is interested, are Sweet Caroline by Neil Diamond, I Fought the Law by... like a ton of people it's a classic lol, and I've Got a Gal in Kalamazoo by Glenn Miller. Anyway, hope you enjoyed whatever the hell this was!


End file.
